Painful beginnings...

I had the worst and best yoga experience today.

The worst involves my yoga teacher of 2+ years who teaches at a prestigious yoga studio here in DC. This morning, right before class, I approached her and asked her if she could sign my recommendation form for the yoga teacher training I am thinking of applying to. The recommendation was the final piece in it and since she knows me (or so I thought) for a long time now, I thought this would be a piece of cake. So while everyone was settling on their mats, I approached her and told her that I needed a small favor, tried to explain the situation briefly and handed her my papers. She looked at me as if she was disgusted and shocked, and said 'You know, coming from this and this tradition, I don't recommend students to teacher training that don't have a strong practice.' I was shocked!! I didn't know what to say! This is the person whose classes I followed without missing, woke up early Saturday mornings just for her class and actually already once moved up one level in her class levels with her recommendation! I mumbled a few words like 'I would appreciate it if you could at least view my application, bla bla...' (since I included my entire application with reasons why I am applying for the training, also my physical strengths and weaknesses were listed there as I perceived them. All I needed from her was a confirmation of all this and a statement that said I practiced regular yoga for a year or longer! I had also included an article I wrote (the previous blog here) about how I started to do yoga and why I wanted to teach). So she dismissed me off-handedly and did in a high volume of voice so that the entire class could hear it!!! (I was more in my whispering voice since I didn't want to disturb anybody). Still I went through the class and at the end I approached her, trying to think of ways to react as positive as I can and said 'You know this isn't fair to you, I didn't have a chance to fully explain my reasons for wanting to do this, as well as what the class entails and also expectations in a recommendation form, could you please give me your email so that I can write you all this?' Since clearly the 5 minutes before or after a class isn't enough to communicate with her! She didn't say anything but gave me the email. I don't know how I got to my car, I took my phone in my hand and started to cry so hard that I couldn't speak. I KNOW that I don't have the most flexible or the most strong body in the world, but I also know that my intentions are pure, I really want to help people and share what yoga means for me, and I am willing to work hard, VERY HARD for it. Also, how can I learn if I don't start somewhere? Anyhow, I called Mumu and cried and cried...

I had to hang up though since I was supposed to go to the yoga teacher training information session in half an hour. So I drove there, still crying a bit. I parked my car and got to the studio. It is a very pretty studio in the middle of DC. I went through the door, at this point I thought I had my act together. As soon as I entered, two people welcomed me: one was the instructor of the actual teacher training, the other the owner of the studio. They were all smiles and asked me if I was there for the info session and how I felt about the upcoming training? My response: 'Yes, I am here for the info session and I am TERRIFIED about the program!' and I went on to explain I wasn't sure about my strength and yoga level and also before I could finish up my sentence, I was crying again. Guess what they did? The instructor immediately hugged me and said 'That is not an issue at all! All you need is willingness and opennes to learn and be here!', I went on to tell them about what happened in the morning (so that they wouldn't think I am a psycho! :) and they couldn't have been more supporting. The instructor agreed to give me feedback at the end of the class (info session was followed by a 3 hour long class) and fill out my recommendation form. In the info session, we talked about our fears, fears of not being able to be enough, fears of leaving our current jobs and going into the unknown, concerns about being prepared enough for the training and much more. Seeing that I am not alone in my fears was a wonderful thing. At the end of the class, the instructor asked me to her side, filled out my form and told me that I had a beautiful and open pratice and nothing to worry about! She even told me 'See you in August at the training!' :)) And in the last moments of that class, as I laid down in the most restorative pose ever, and melted into the floor, and remembered that I parked in a two hour parking zone for the last 5 hours (!), but didn't even care enough about it to move a finger, I said 'thank you!' to myself, and something deep inside me said 'you're welcome!'...

Comments

Your story has touched my heart dear, thanks to your beautiful self!
Kayra said…
No retreat, no surrender!

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