Christmas gift

My mom called the other day. It was 9am and she woke me up and she knew that she did wake me up immediately upon hearing my sleepy voice. The first thing she asks 'Is mumu there?', I tell her he is already gone. The second thing she asks jokingly 'Didn't you wake up early to prepare his breakfast?'. My response is 'hell no!'. Everyone prepares their own breakfast in our home (or we prepare it together if there is time :). My mom laughs, and the funny thing is that I know that secretly, she gets a kick out of my response. After all she is the one who told me to be 'always independent' and 'be a strong woman'. These among many valuable things, she taught me. As I am getting closer to my time to be spent in Istanbul and my hometown Luleburgaz in Turkey, I'm wondering what else I picked up along the way from my loved ones.

My relationship with my family has never been easy. There has always been tension one way or another. It is only the last few years that I am able to slowly let go of the tension and find out that love remains. We love each other very much and that's what I keep coming back to, more and more. That's what seems to matter. Love isn't always enough to keep communications open. Love isn't enough when they need me in Turkey to hold their hands in good and hard times and it isn't enough to create shared memories when I am so many miles away. And love is all I have to offer.

Yesterday I went to a yoga and meditation workshop. There were a few exercises, one of them was saying 'yes' to our emotions, sensations, thoughts. Without judging, without explaining, without changing, just saying yes. I decided to say 'yes' to all the things that hurt within me from the tensions in my family. I said 'yes' to my anger, 'yes' to my helplessness, 'yes' to my hurt and underneath it all 'yes' to a strong love, stronger than anything else within me. And I realized something: I am NEVER going to be enough. I will never have enough time to spend with my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, parents-in-law, cousins, aunts, relatives, friends, ... I will never have enough gifts to give (I wish I could give soo much more). I'll never have enough power to share with them all the wonderful things I learn and experience. And I will never know when enough is enough, where do I stop trying, where should they begin. And I said 'yes' to my 'not being enough'. Something warm opened up inside me, tears fell down. I know now that I won't be enough since I can't be, our love is too strong for that and I am grateful for knowing that it is.

So that's what I am taking with me to Turkey this Christmas. The knowledge of not being enough, the will to be present and aware to enjoy each moment with my family and friends, the hope that they'll be able to get my love from my words, actions, stance; and courage to say 'yes' to anything and everything that opens up inside.



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