I feel it all the time, I don't want to get up, I don't want to eat healthy (bring me the cupcakes and chocolate!), I don't want to finish the to do list (but I must!) and so on and on... Part of this has to do with the move, let's face it, who wants to move when all is settled? Then the other part has been there all along. My whiny side, my little 5 year old self, my ever-aching, complaining, wanting, needing, lazy parts.

A few days ago, between waking up and sleeping, I turned to mumu and told him 'not to take away my freedom by asking me to iron his shirts.' :))) Of course he burst out laughing. A couple days before this we had talked about not using dry cleaning as much as we do, and trying to wash and iron his shirts and pants at home. And he didn't even ask me to do anything, he said he wants to learn to iron and we can try it together.

Ironing... That is a good example of my aversions. I can remember my mom asking me to iron things (more like 'telling me to' :) during all my teenage years. Actually out of the chores I was supposed to do at home, ironing used to be my favorite. I used to turn on my music, get into a daydreaming zone and go through the clothes one by one without even realizing. If you asked my 16 year old self, she would have preferred ironing hands down to dusting, washing the dishes or even grocery shopping. So why is it that my 31 year old self has such an aversion to it?

It began a couple of years ago (I think). Suddenly my corporate-working, well-earning self realized the convenience of dry cleaning. You give away the clothes and they magically come back shiny, ironed and clean! And the voice (which happens to be my mom's voice of course :) that told me daily to finish up my chores, cook, clean, brush my teeth, etc. etc. started to skip ironing. Of course there were the one or two pieces that I couldn't as a fashion-conscious person wear in creases or send to dry-cleaning (my work-out shirts to dry cleaning? no way!). But I devised a genius method for that as well. A bin strategically placed in our closet in a dark corner, to hold these pieces until such time that my mom visits us and demands motherly work to take care of us :)) Genius! I know!

So after the conversation with mumu and the realization that that huge bin isn't gonna empty itself (my mom's not coming here any time soon), today I took the ironing board out and finished (very proudly) half of the ironing :). It's a small step for our clothes but a big one for me :) It turns out the key is for me to wish it for myself, not anyone else to tell me what to do (hence take my freedom away). I know, poor mumu :))

Another big revelation happened when I finally went to the Social Security Office this week to change my name from my maiden name (Bozkurt) to my married name (Bozkurt Aktekin). I had sooo dreaded this chore, collecting the documents, filling out the forms, waiting in line for hours!!! So much so that I have been conveniently delaying it for the past 5 years! :) So mostly out of necessity (it would be waaay harder to do this in New Hampshire according to my imagination), I finally found the courage to look the office up online, fill out my forms, prep my docs and go to the SS office. First of all, I only waited for an hour, secondly they didn't even look at the documents I prepared! Within 2 minutes after it was my turn, the dreaded errand was run and I finally had a new name that matched my passport! :)) So this one of course has its roots in my horror-filled experiences at the driver's license lines and the oh-so-various-and-frightful visa and immigration processes I had to go through over the past years.

With this particular one, I think I lucked out. At the same time, it gives me courage to try new things (like ironing) and not make up my mind on how they'll turn out :) Imagine what I can accomplish if I wasn't lazy, afraid, postponing, yawning, whining, etc. Arm balances, or other weird Iyengar poses? The million arts and crafts projects I have on shelf? The daily meditation I have been skipping? The stories I have been planning to write? The possibilities are endless. Who knows, maybe along the way I can learn to unlearn my aversions and develop a soft cushion of tenderness for my lazy self :)) This moving thing may not be that bad after all...

Damla :)


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