Time and Weight

Mumu tells me about time and how it isn't linear at all. The physicists know it for sure, it doesn't work like we think it does. Time doesn't flow the same for everyone, it also doesn't feel the same all the time. I think about this while my dentist and his son (my other dentist :) lean over me and pull the pieces of my wisdom teeth (the ones they cut earlier) out of my mouth. Then they discuss something about losing a piece to the suction (and if yes they need to dig in again). I close my eyes since I don't want to see the pieces, seeing makes it all too real, and I don't want to know about how much they need to dig in. Instead I focus on the sensations in me. As I close my eyes, time stops. I'm not there at all. I'm watching myself. And I keep repeating 'Let go, let go, let go...'. I tell my three wisdom teeth to leave my mouth peacefully since I let them go, it was time. I tell myself to let go of the tension in my neck and jaw. I tell myself to trust my doctors, there's nothing else left to do anyway, and let them take care of me. It's alright I say, it's alright Damla. Just close your eyes and breathe. Before I know it, it's time for the third tooth. I imagine myself in a Miyazaki movie, running in flower fields. Fields just like the ones in the PS3 game 'Flowers'. I imagine magical sounds, I imagine the theme song in Miyazaki's My Neighbor Totoro, The Wind Forest. When it's time for my last tooth, I silently talk to my dentist, I tell him he's doing great, I tell him to stay put just a little longer. Then I let go, let go, let go...

So much is happening right now. I'm discovering how much my life weighs. Together, mumu and I, weigh about 8700 pounds (about 4 tons), according to our moving company's estimate. 8 years in DC area and that's how much we gathered, add our car to it (about 3200 pounds or 1.5 tons), that makes it almost 6 tons. 6 tons of stuff! Then it comes to our luggage for the trip to Turkey. I'm supposed to fit 6 tons of my life (or at least my portion of it) to a 50 pound checked baggage and a tiny carry-on!

Half of my carry-on gets filled with the books I want to read, the other half holds all the heavy looking non-fluid stuff. The one luggage that I am allowed is then jamm-packed with carefully selected (and counted) clothing items (how many yoga tops should I pack, how many socks? how many eye shadows do I need?...). And still my toiletries and shoes don't fit in the 'allowed' luggage limit (who decides on these 'limits' anyway?). First of all, it sucks to have to fit my life into two tiny pieces of luggage. Secondly I realize that I'm really, truly a heavy person. I need an extra piece of luggage (however much extra I need to pay for it is fine) and yes I know that in the grand scheme of things I don't necessarily spiritually need those extra pairs of shoes, and it'll be a beotch to carry all these around in Turkey, but I for sure want them with me!

So among these realizations (time isn't linear and the heaviness of my life) and positive affirmations (flower fields, flower fields, ouch! flower fields), a million things are getting done, from cleaning the house of unnecessary items like a broken sofa (listed on craigslist as a freebie) to setting aside 3 huge 5-gallon clorox containers and a half-filled bird food bag to be handed over to our neighbors, to making sure what needs to stay behind stays behind and what needs to go with us goes, and so on...

Two o'clock in the morning (last night) I call my mom to tell her about the latest and greatest while I'm waiting for my vicodin to kick-in and knock me down (and out of the jaw pain). My mom magically developed an ear issue lately, she doesn't hear a word I'm saying. So I have to talk into the phone real loud (as loud as I can get while everyone's asleep and without opening my mouth more than half an inch). So I develop the technique of leaning onto the microphone (the bottom part of my shitty wireless home phone) and speaking, then taking the speaker closer to my ear to hear mom's response. As you can guess, I can't do both at the same time due to the genius design of my phone. So of course, in the time it takes from leaning over to speak and then tilting the phone back to my ear, there are some things lost in the translation. So I develop another technique of saying 'yes, mom, aha, aha, yes, yes, yes.' It works like a charm. As I put the phone down I'm more tired from the communication mumbo-jumbo than I was from jaw pain (or maybe it's the vicodin :). I lie down and sleep happy :)

There's this quote in the latest Oprah magazine (yes, I'm a fan, I confess that she feels like my long lost cheerful and fun aunt :) Diane Ackerman says 'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." So here is another life measurement added to the weight: the length and width of time. My guess is that by width she means being in the moment, living the moment as much as you can. But then again this all depends on the perception of time. Time can move quickly for you (go quickly on the length like a race car) or it can move slowly (like a horse carrier so you can see the width of the view around you). Then again this all assumes that time is linear and that we can choose how we experience it. If we are really paying attention, it's easy to see that nothing's linear (if you don't believe me, watch Lost or Star Trek :). Also how do we know that anything can be experienced any other than how we are experiencing it at any given moment? In other words, how do we know we can change things? In the mili-second that we decide to change our perception, aren't we setting ourselves up for another scenario? Just different sets of assumptions? And things unroll according to these new set of assumptions instead of the ones from a second ago? I don't have a resolution on this one yet, I'm working on it :)

So how does this relate to my current state of life or my conversation with my mom or Oprah? It really doesn't :) I like these questions though. They make me feel like there are things to be explored in life, holes to be jumped into in the forest and magic to be discovered. They are good to explore in meditation. Sometimes when my brain shuts down from too much analyzing, something else in me seems to already know the answers, you know?

Till next time,
:) Damla


Popular Posts