Speaking My Truth, Writing My Truth

As I drove home today something in me shifted. A revelation, an opening. Nothing physical yet but I can almost feel the tingling sensation of change, of relief, of free breaths. It all relates to my upper back pain and it all relates to so much more.

I went through an 8 hour long lecture and experiential workshop on chakras today. When it started I had no idea what I was about to receive: a priceless gift from a wise teacher. At the end of the workshop, I walked up to Judy Giovangelo and said 'Judy, I wish I could pick your brains and work with you longer but can I ask for your two minute response to an issue I am having?' Then I told her about my upper back pain, the pain that didn't budge with physical therapy, the pain that gets worse if I move and worser if I don't. The pain that doesn't respond to massage therapy, meditation, prayer, or simply wishing it away. I also told her about the knot I have been feeling in my throat, after teaching yoga, I feel like going into a cave, staying silent for eternity (or at least until my next class) and I told her about my digestive issues in the sacral and solar chakra areas and asked if she had any advice for me.

Judy looked at me for a moment and said that for her the upper back symbolizes the wings of a person. It all relates to spreading your wings, opening your heart, being free in life. She then said for me, I needed to speak more instead of staying silent. She asked me if I was the 'child seen but not heard', that statement summarizes my entire childhood and my relationship with my family for the most part of my adult life. She told me that my throat blockage is most likely my resistance to speaking up due to deep conditioning and that the world needs to hear my words as I have so much to offer. That the silence served me well, it helped me survive but now I need to speak my truth and in doing so spread my wings and connect to my intuition, my knowing self, my freedom.

Driving home I kept saying 'thank you Judy, thank you, thank you, thank you!'. Thank you for bringing light to my struggle, to my pain! I had felt lost and hopeless. Even though it won't be easy, now it feels like there's light at the end of the tunnel. There's something for me to work on. I don't have to wrestle in darkness. She simply held a mirror to me. I sensed all of this but I didn't know how to bring it out, how to describe it in words, how to make sense of it all.

Then I thought about a story I wrote yesterday, in the story a female character realizes that for a long time she used her work to numb the pain of a break-up. She sees herself in another person, a male character who is going through similar issues as she did, and understands that 'she survived' and she doesn't have to not be herself any more. She survived and now she is free to live her life with renewed choices that come not from desperation and an instinct to protect herself but from her inner wiser guidance. Judi's exact words to me 'You survived, your silence served its purpose, now it's time to speak your truth, the world needs to hear your truth.'

I feel like the story was a mirror, showing me what I needed to see even when I didn't know what to look for. In the story the female character is me, the male character is also me. I am the blocked and I am the one who removes the blockages and becomes free. I am both and I have the capacity to grow, to learn, to connect, to teach, to be. I feel like writing is a piece of the puzzle for me. My knowing self is working through my words as I write, to invite more healing into my life, through stories, through imagination, through a closer look into the lens of life.

I am thankful for all the moments that took me here, I am thankful for my inner teacher, thankful for all my teachers, especially for Judy for her invaluable insight tonight. Still learning, still growing.
Love & Namaste,


Ozgur Akkaya said…
What a revelation!! Sounds like a new journey is ahead of you. Enjoy the ride :))

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