Thoughts
As I look into the Turkish coffee cup I'm in another world already. I get tuned into my friend's energy, I tell what I feel more than what I see. I'm not sure where it comes from, I'm not sure how I can tell what I tell. I just do. If you are receptive, I can tell a whole lot. Then just like anything, you take it, you connect with your intuition and you let it go. One of my friends asks if I can tell it for myself. I can't. It doesn't work that way. I also feel I cannot monetize this, it has to be a gift to the other party, since it's a gift to me.
Sometimes though I would close my eyes and try to see into my future. I tried it this evening. This beautiful summer night, that got filled with laughter, connection and joy, I spent a lovely evening with my friends, and came home with a warm fuzzy feeling. Just feeling joy from how blessed my life is and how blessed I am, to be able to enjoy life freely, in the company of beautiful souls, learning and loving, and living in safety. On the way home, among the slightly intoxicated and terribly tired souls that I co-habitated the train with, I closed my eyes asking myself how I felt: at peace, calm, slightly afraid, sleepy, and like I could cry rivers and still be ok. And I asked myself how I felt about the move and how things will be. I intuitively took a breath in at that moment, feeling my lungs and my (very full) belly fill in, feeling the air, realizing how I relaxed my eye brows with that breath. Then I took another breath. And I said 'aha', this is how it will be, I'll take one breath and then another and I'll be ok.
I'm not sure exactly how I got here. Why I live abroad (and why after so many years I still call US 'abroad'). Why not somewhere else. Why even when I feel most grounded and at home, I'm always 'away'. Why I'm moving in this particular time in my life. I'm not talking about the legal/physical specifics, yes I took a plane to Washington DC in that hot 2002 summer to get here, yes husband's job is in another city. I'm talking about a grander reason. The reasons that aren't even reasons. Things that bring us somewhere in our journey to discover some things that we aren't yet sure what they are.
I was talking to a close friend about this. When I came to DC the first time, I felt like a fish that came out of water (Turkey) (held up by someone from my tail) and got placed into coffee (Washington, DC) for swimming. They're totally different waters to swim in. I brought some water in my wings into the coffee, making it less brownish. Then I gradually adjusted and learned to love swimming in coffee. Then every year, as soon as I get used to one type of water, I change waters by hopping on a plane to Istanbul. And yes, I bring in the smell and taste of coffee into tap water (nothing wrong with either one really :). Then I re-learn walking and talking in my Turkishness, but my water-filled glass still gets light brownish from the coffee in me and then with time, almost clear waterish since the coffee gets dispersed evenly. And then I repeat this all over again :))
So every time I take the plunge to leave home for another home, everything gets shifted around in my insides. I start thinking in that language, dreaming in that language, listening to the local news (realizing how lame and biased they are, no matter where you go!), watching the popular TV shows, eating the local food, spending time with my loved ones, etc. Then my reality changes and I get adjusted to the new situation. So you would think that this would make me ready for a move. I think deep down I'm still trying to wrap my head around having '3 homes'; one more set of friends, places, cupcakes to miss and feel away from (with regards to my one year in Germany, even though I didn't stay there enough to take root, yes I still miss my Pforzheim friends as well, I miss German baked goods too :).
I feel like there will come a point where, the water and coffee will look and taste the same, you know? :) I'm not quite there yet though. And maybe my purpose in life is to carry that little bit of water and coffee around. Share whatever I gather, let it mix together and become a big fun cocktail (adding some vodka and pineapple juice to the mix would be nice, or maybe some rum and mint? hmm which one will New Hampshire be? :) And along the way practice letting go, as my prenatal yoga teacher Janice Clarfield puts it: 'Life is a profound letting go, one after another, one after another,...'
Peace out!
Damla :)
Sometimes though I would close my eyes and try to see into my future. I tried it this evening. This beautiful summer night, that got filled with laughter, connection and joy, I spent a lovely evening with my friends, and came home with a warm fuzzy feeling. Just feeling joy from how blessed my life is and how blessed I am, to be able to enjoy life freely, in the company of beautiful souls, learning and loving, and living in safety. On the way home, among the slightly intoxicated and terribly tired souls that I co-habitated the train with, I closed my eyes asking myself how I felt: at peace, calm, slightly afraid, sleepy, and like I could cry rivers and still be ok. And I asked myself how I felt about the move and how things will be. I intuitively took a breath in at that moment, feeling my lungs and my (very full) belly fill in, feeling the air, realizing how I relaxed my eye brows with that breath. Then I took another breath. And I said 'aha', this is how it will be, I'll take one breath and then another and I'll be ok.
I'm not sure exactly how I got here. Why I live abroad (and why after so many years I still call US 'abroad'). Why not somewhere else. Why even when I feel most grounded and at home, I'm always 'away'. Why I'm moving in this particular time in my life. I'm not talking about the legal/physical specifics, yes I took a plane to Washington DC in that hot 2002 summer to get here, yes husband's job is in another city. I'm talking about a grander reason. The reasons that aren't even reasons. Things that bring us somewhere in our journey to discover some things that we aren't yet sure what they are.
I was talking to a close friend about this. When I came to DC the first time, I felt like a fish that came out of water (Turkey) (held up by someone from my tail) and got placed into coffee (Washington, DC) for swimming. They're totally different waters to swim in. I brought some water in my wings into the coffee, making it less brownish. Then I gradually adjusted and learned to love swimming in coffee. Then every year, as soon as I get used to one type of water, I change waters by hopping on a plane to Istanbul. And yes, I bring in the smell and taste of coffee into tap water (nothing wrong with either one really :). Then I re-learn walking and talking in my Turkishness, but my water-filled glass still gets light brownish from the coffee in me and then with time, almost clear waterish since the coffee gets dispersed evenly. And then I repeat this all over again :))
So every time I take the plunge to leave home for another home, everything gets shifted around in my insides. I start thinking in that language, dreaming in that language, listening to the local news (realizing how lame and biased they are, no matter where you go!), watching the popular TV shows, eating the local food, spending time with my loved ones, etc. Then my reality changes and I get adjusted to the new situation. So you would think that this would make me ready for a move. I think deep down I'm still trying to wrap my head around having '3 homes'; one more set of friends, places, cupcakes to miss and feel away from (with regards to my one year in Germany, even though I didn't stay there enough to take root, yes I still miss my Pforzheim friends as well, I miss German baked goods too :).
I feel like there will come a point where, the water and coffee will look and taste the same, you know? :) I'm not quite there yet though. And maybe my purpose in life is to carry that little bit of water and coffee around. Share whatever I gather, let it mix together and become a big fun cocktail (adding some vodka and pineapple juice to the mix would be nice, or maybe some rum and mint? hmm which one will New Hampshire be? :) And along the way practice letting go, as my prenatal yoga teacher Janice Clarfield puts it: 'Life is a profound letting go, one after another, one after another,...'
Peace out!
Damla :)
Comments
I still don't know where "home" is (ok, it's here where my little girl is now I suppose, but you know, as a concept/ a specific country/ town....) and I don't know if I will ever figure it out. I also know that going "back" doesn't feel the same as it did before. I wonder if infact the "coffee and the water" (surely in my British case it's going to have to be TEA?) has been so thoroughly diluted and mixed as to be inseparable now?
And for you to have to wheel between two languages is a whole other challenge. Ironically for me though, I am separated by a common language! How strange even NOT to have a change in language to separate my two countries! The "same" language, spoken and used and handled so very differently! Even now after more than eight years I find I say things no one here understands!!!
Ok am rambling. But know I understand this deeply. I'll miss you. L xxx
Laura hon, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I love the tea analogy for England and I love your living example of how the same language becomes unique in two different countries! You are absolutely right, something about a land, the people's history and their collective habits and thoughts add to our experience of a place, and we end up carrying those experiences with us, maybe for you it's tea with half-and-half milk, which in the end isn't that bad at all! :)
Hugs!
Damla